I live in fear.

Have you been in a situation where you love someone but you can't tell anybody about that someone you REALLY love?

My life turned 180 degrees once again. Everything around me seemed new even though they have been there for the almost-twenty-years of my existence (lately I've been telling people I'm a year older already. It seems though I'm more comfortable with an older age). I live now with full of uncertainties. I can't even see where I am standing now. I'm out of school, I have a debt, I'm away from people who really know me, I don't know anymore who really are my friends, I'm away from my oasis. I do not want to be a negative person but this point where I am in now really sucks big time. I keep on asking God what He wants me to see with this kind of burden. I keep asking Him what is the purpose and the end of this "crisis". I don't know whether people around me is telling the truth or the lie. I don't know whom to trust. I don't know anymore who am I going to run into. If only my oasis is only an arm length away.

I do not wish to cry anymore. Enough of the tears, enough of the misery. I am doing whatever I can to be more mature than in the past. Although I can tell it's a very hard thing to do.

I envy my siblings for the fact that they have peer groups. They have group of friends where they can belong to, whom they can run into. On the other hand, in my situation, beside from myself, I only have Tatot (my dog) and my oasis to run into. Now I've realized I have been somewhat a loner. People may find me fun to be with, full of smiles, strong and very independent. With that acknowledgment, how can I possibly tell them what I really feel inside?

I learn to be this strong from my own mom. It did me good to be this strong but it also has its perks. "Ang hirap mo naman biyakin", I was told with that not a long time ago. Why do everytime something like this happens to me I feel so cold inside? My godmother may be right, saying that I should offer every heartache and trials to the Almighty, telling me I should let go. But the problem is, I learned not to let go. I learned to bottle it up all inside, and when I can't hold any longer, never mind the pain and just compress everything to take in more. It is just plain hard. Even if I want to surrender everything, there's a part of me still wants to hold on to that 'everything', even the pain. What am I left when I surrender 'everything'?

Being like this just makes me tell myself that I am being just madrama and I should definitely stop it. I don't pity myself. Even though I can't see where I am standing now, I absolutely know where am I heading. I do not say O don't have faith in God. I trust Him. I know for a fact that change is inevitable. You can't control it. The only thing you can control is how are you going to react with change.


Oh God, despite of everything, I can still carry my burden because you have provided me an oasis. An oasis I really love. Please, I beg you my good God, don't take my oasis away from me.

Labels: life, love