Feel like I can hate myself.

I never thought of myself would actually enjoy where I am now. I didn't imagined that i would be interested to become a good nurse nevertheless become a doctor in the future years. I never really like this before. I never had a passion for it. Because in the past, my passion was far from analyzing chemicals, illnesses, and medicines. My passion lies on the power of my pen. Yes, my "then" passion is to be a writer.

Why "then" passion? It's hard for me to accept but nowadays it seems like that "power of my pen" starting to decline. I lost hold of it. Maybe not the pen which lose its power.It is I who began to lose the power to express eversince I made up my mind to let go of my "then" passion. and it feels bad actually.

I thought I could go on with my writing even if I chose a different course in school in line with it. I thought that if it is really my passion it will stick with me no matter what. Besides, everybody thinks it is also a talent. A talent is innate, isn't? Me taking other course will not affect my desire to express. Now I am all confused.

There was a time that I really gone in love with writing. Not to mention how have I liked those complimentaries, praises and approval of people basically around me. I cannot forget that time how the canteen lady recognized me and congratulated me for having a jod well done. That is, an article well written. Of course I was feeling flattered. I never expected even those people outside the academic personnel of the school would appreciate what I love to do. Please don't get me wrong.

Back in highschool, everyone expected that I would pursue that passion. Funny, because even I thought so. I really thought I would become a part of the written communication I longed to be in. But here I am, this i what I am now. Aiming to be a professional life saver. (nice substitute, right?)

I really did not want it at first. Who could have known I would learn to love this profession. Hah.

I hate myself.

How could I let the fire of my passion to be put out? Seems I could write nor express myself as easily, as eagerly,and as beautifully as before. How I miss those days. I broke my promise to myself to continue what I have loved to do eversince I started to make childish poems.

Is it really true one can fall out of love when it a relationship is not supported with good communication? This is how I feel. It's like ending my relationship with what I love.

Just recently, I met my classmate in highschool who was also my EIC back in campus paper days. I felt a twinge of envy. I thought that if I had pushed through with what I want, I would have been gone to the university I like since childhood, taking up the course I had planned to take, and probably in the same class of that EIC. I guess that feeling was the opportunity cost that we had discussed in Economics class. There may be that feeling, but I tell you, I tried hard not to feel any regrets. No regrets because I love what I am in, I love what I am studying, I love where I am studying and most of all, I love what I will become in the next years to come.

Hate would lead to nowhwere. What if I reunite with the one which I love first? Yes, it may take a little time and effort to make it work, for me to be able to express again as artfully as before. Anyway, I know it will still be very rewarding. Afterall, one can love not only one.